Asteroid Threatens Earth Sending Millions of Americans Fleeing For The Mexican Border

 Oceanside, CA –

NASA issued a “Bitch, get the fuck out!!” alert today, that a big ass rock with brass knuckles threatens to descend and use Earth as it’s alter boy.  Some US military defense agency with a bunch of letters in it, issued a warning for all citizens of SoCal that if you want to keep your balls in tack you best take refuge in Mexico, “You have less than two days to get your shit and split,”  were their exact words.

Meanwhile, some Mexican military defense agency with a bunch of letters in it issued a ‘you must must be less than 5ft. to enter clause,’  and is NOT having it citing, “Unless you’re coming to landscape OUR gardens and clean OUR streets, anchor your spoiled brats to St. Elsewhere, pendejos!   Besides, if you can’t rrrrroll your rrrrrs like a Perrrrsian kitty nesting on a vibrator, you have no business herrrre!  We don’t want our country smelling of corrupt horseshit and tears of rehab.”

Frantic Americans crowded the Mexican border entrance expecting a warm welcome of cinnamon churros, gourmet burritos, mango margaritas and a bienvenidos band of mariachis until La Migra quickly shot them a ‘You will not kumbayah your way into this country’ side-eye. 

 “Close Border Now” signs have turned into, “We really love illegal immigrants!  We were just playing.”  Americans, now referred as ‘unauthorized *@#%*@’ (roughly translated: unauthorized fucktards) are doing anything and everything to cross the border for the safety of their families including; Han gliding or turning themselves into human sling shots to escape this regional, possible global catastrophe.   “They’re not even letting Mexicans into Mexico!” One witness stated.

 So far, thousands of Americans, err um, unauthorized fucktards have been detained in a Mexican fucktard camp for deportation.

We followed up with astronomer, Asher Martin, who discovered the NEO (Near-Earth-Object) and how its impact will affect Earth, “NEOs that encounter any dark bodies that could perturb its orbit, blah, blah, mega-nerd shit, blah blah, star trekkie Klingon science stuff, run for cover![sic]”