Stoner Obituaries
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Wire Hangers 1957- 2016
In a protest to end all protests, the wire hanger is no longer the shining symbol of America’s selfish and demented. Once the refreshing light of schizophrenia and unwanted pregnancies. Now just another Joan Crawford cliché, the wire hanger is truly no more.
The marketing team at Planned Parenthood huddled together today to feverishly decide the future symbol for uterus expulsion. We sent in a suggestion to use the pitch fork, but it was quickly dismissed.
Thomas Moore March 1955- November 2016
There’s never a next time to pay attention
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Sean Birman June 1985- January 2017
Deafolympic gold medalist, Sean Birman 26, died today. Not of natural fucking causes like a hot girl riding you into your happy place or getting hit by a transit bus wrapped in a ‘coming soon to DVD’ Despicable Me3 Ad or being pushed into a burning building set to explode. No, nothing normal like that.
He was scattered, smothered, covered, battered and beaten to death in a case where signs mixed and language signals crossed. Mixed signals in sign language? Our experts tell us that “I live here,” can easily be misconstrued as, “I will kill you and your wife on Tuesday.”
Now our gold medalist is in a heavenly place where magical cupcakes are brought to you when you say bring me a magical fucking cupcake. And not just any place, a place where men in Spartacus attire present trays of various meats. (not that kind of meat you dirty bastard! Ok, that kind.)
Stoner Rule #54921
Never mistakenly watch the news during a hot makeout session. There’s nothing more annoying than the angry voice of a news anchor announcing the accidental death of a 3yr old hit by its own Mother to send your uterus and all neighboring penises into state of WTF?! Allitereation of the A’s is strictly coincidental.
Asteroid Threatens Earth Sending Millions of Americans Fleeing For The Mexican Border
Oceanside, CA –
NASA issued a “Bitch, get the fuck out!!” alert today, that a big ass rock with brass knuckles threatens to descend and use Earth as it’s alter boy. Some US military defense agency with a bunch of letters in it, issued a warning for all citizens of SoCal that if you want to keep your balls in tack you best take refuge in Mexico, “You have less than two days to get your shit and split,” were their exact words.
Meanwhile, some Mexican military defense agency with a bunch of letters in it issued a ‘you must must be less than 5ft. to enter clause,’ and is NOT having it citing, “Unless you’re coming to landscape OUR gardens and clean OUR streets, anchor your spoiled brats to St. Elsewhere, pendejos! Besides, if you can’t rrrrroll your rrrrrs like a Perrrrsian kitty nesting on a vibrator, you have no business herrrre! We don’t want our country smelling of corrupt horseshit and tears of rehab.”
Frantic Americans crowded the Mexican border entrance expecting a warm welcome of cinnamon churros, gourmet burritos, mango margaritas and a bienvenidos band of mariachis until La Migra quickly shot them a ‘You will not kumbayah your way into this country’ side-eye.
“Close Border Now” signs have turned into, “We really love illegal immigrants! We were just playing.” Americans, now referred as ‘unauthorized *@#%*@’ (roughly translated: unauthorized fucktards) are doing anything and everything to cross the border for the safety of their families including; Han gliding or turning themselves into human sling shots to escape this regional, possible global catastrophe. “They’re not even letting Mexicans into Mexico!” One witness stated.
So far, thousands of Americans, err um, unauthorized fucktards have been detained in a Mexican fucktard camp for deportation.
We followed up with astronomer, Asher Martin, who discovered the NEO (Near-Earth-Object) and how its impact will affect Earth, “NEOs that encounter any dark bodies that could perturb its orbit, blah, blah, mega-nerd shit, blah blah, star trekkie Klingon science stuff, run for cover![sic]”
Pole Dancing: Gateway Drug to Hookerdom, Blue Feets & Frequent Visits to the Ho Clinic
- , “This can easily lead our athletes into the loose-coat-game and turning tricks! They’ll be looking to win tram fare instead of award metals! It’s mockery!”
It’s Official! We have become a nation of nasty, dirty freaks! The National Olympic Committee announced plans to replace Pole Vaulting with Pole Dancing citing, unless those assholes can hammer throw themselves over a crossbar in hooker heels, they no longer have any interest in the 150 year old track and field sport.
This kinda reminds me of this jackass I dated that handed me the pink slip. He was younger than me and always wanted to do elaborate acrobatic tricks during coitus. For those lazy fucks who don’t feel like looking up ‘coitus’, it’s fucking! Another fucking word for fucking! As I was saying, I guess he got tired of the same slutty routines. Perhaps if I had elephants and Cirque du Soleil props we’d still be doing it. I never really thought it was that boring. I come, you come and then you get the hell out! That’s gold medal perfect!
Well on March 20, 2011, the National Olympic Committee handed pole vaulting that same pink slip. Committee board member, Dudley Houston agreed, “I don’t remember there being a stripper pole at the last supper, but hey if it’s ok with the big JC, then it’s okay with us!”
Thanks to the nasty pole dancing Jesus freaks, one of the greatest Olympic events now has a skanky Christian way of doing things. The 6 Metres Club will now be known as the 6-inch Heels Metres Club. This is exactly what committee protesters were afraid of; pole dancing becoming the gateway drug to hookerdom, blue feets and frequent visits to the ho clinic. Committee protester Frank Connelly had this to say, “This can easily lead our athletes into the loose-coat-game and turning tricks! They’ll be looking to win tram fare instead of award metals! It’s mockery!”
Sometimes I wish there was a committee out there fighting for my coitus rights.
Stoner Rule# 49287
When a stoner is at the wheel, passengers are not make any sudden movements or loud sounds.
Who Run The World: Penises
Just as Galileo paved the way for modern science, Brett Farve has paved the way for modern penises everywhere! This is the moment I’ve been waiting for since I got kicked out of preschool for making the little boys show their weenuses in exchange for chocolate milk and sweet cakes. Not a bad deal, eh?
Long gone are the days when you had to freeze frame the VCR just to see the shadow of the shadow of the shadow of a penis. Nowadays, you can’t open the world wide web without a Weiner slapping you in the face. Thanks Farve! Not only has ‘notorious peenophile’ been updated to your wiki page, but you have generously bestowed a new platform of communication for Krull the warrior king! And why is it that the male tickle lizard brings out the worst in scandals than your typical nip slips?
Do we blame Lorena Bobbit? I mean, after she humiliated that poor schlong, penises everywhere hit the panic button and ran to the nearest underground bunker to hide out. You didn’t see another wanker for years until that woman was tarred and stoned for her blasphemy!
Now thanks to entertainments like; Spartacus: Blood & Sand, Spartacus: Gods of the Arena, Calgula, Hangover I & II, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Bruno and Wild Things, dingle-dangles can stand soft, hard, shy or proud. So slap a cape on your Captain love commander boys, this is its moment to shine! Iz haz sweet cakes!
**UPDATE** THIS JUST IN:
Joe Man Jello
It’s like when Kris Kringle pulls out a present for surprised guests.
Joe Man Jellow will drop trau to play Big Dick Richie in Steven Soderbergh’s movie masterpiece, Magic Mike. Who wouldn’t want to be the master of this piece?! Retorical, don’t answer.
We almost had a panic button emergency with that penis disposal incident, but we’re definitely back in trau.
Here’s a snippet of Spartacus thanks to majolucylawless! No peen slips though, but the song is catchy!
We Really Are Lazy Fucks Who Only Work 30 Minutes A Day
Typically speaking the work day consists of 8-9 hours of blah, blah, blah. You fucking know what it consists of, you signed up for the this mental anguish. Well today you lazy bastards I have good news. Although it seems like an eternity, turns out we only work 30 mins in a day! Check this out:
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So when you get that numbing taste of, ‘Not this shit again,’ sprinkled with last night’s tequila fiasco, here’s some lemon flavored hope to gargle on. Yeesssss, I know it will still taste like shit, but now it’s lemon flavored shit! So give your special special spleepy time toy an extra hug, because you deserve only the fluffiest of fluffy sheeps to count for the whole thirty minutes you’re going to actually work tomorrow. I threw the extra ‘s’ in sheeps, because we’re not talking about just any sheep, these are super sheeps. AND because you deserve only the finest superest fluffiest of fluffy sheeps to count for that lazy ass mess you call full time exempt.
Enjoy!
Stoner Job Post# 87654
WANTED NURSING HOME ORDERLY
Requirements: GED, Convict school equivalency certificate or be a class 3 registered sex offender. Must be handy with a switchblade, in any case you have to put an old bitch in her place for back sassing you.
Benefits: All the free antiques and meds you can muster. We kindly ask to drug them first, because they rarely sleep. If interested, please show up to any nursing home near you. We have a community come as you are policy. Being on parole is no problem! We even do prison work releases!
This is an equal BYOB workplace environment, we turn a high eyebrow to those who help themselves to the private cooler.
Thanks
Managment
Stoners Rule 